hi.
so let’s start with …
***
grade 5
i started being like one when i was on grade 5. we started living in Makati on 2003-04, i think. then our big brother likes to play Magic Cards and Pokemon on Nintendo Gameboy, and my little brother too, but my little sister is too young to play that game but we are fond of playing pokemon as well. our brothers have befriend a guy who also likes to play stuff like that. just gonna name him Chris. Chris always goes to our house to play with our two brothers. i never even look at him and i know he’s kind of older than me but then it just happened. what just happened is that, i had a crush on him. then i made this autograph book(it’s very popular to ave one on those days…). anyway, i have asked Chris to even answer my autograph book… little did i know, he even put acronyms on the name of his crush. but i can’t remember it precisely the right acronyms but that’s what i can remember. well, most of it. anyway, that’s me.
at that time, i was very thrilled and i don’t know what to do. we began seeing each other outside past 10pm i think. just outside the gate of our house. and i know that my little sister and brother knows about it because they keep on seeing us together every night. i know this is not lady-like… and well, i’m obviously a total flirt and my image since that day, became the lamest girl of all. after every night, i noticed that Chris will swiftly… just will not notice me anymore… it’s just like bam!, i never thought that i’m such a fool. and what am i suppose to think? he’s a highschooler and i’m in gradeschool. i even manage to tie my hair with a pink scarf because he told me that it suits me…
we never communicated ever again. my friends their knows what i’ve become. i’m such an ignorant that i didn’t realize that people see me nothing as a flirtatious girl who’ll easily grab the bait. i grabbed it. when i thought about it now, it’s one of the most stupidest thing that i’ve ever done.
***
grade 6
i still remember the time when the president of our class became my crush… and so, well, i have many crushes. i don’t know why. it’s sort of me, being addicted to having a crush. my old suitors have given up on me and tried to see other girls to date. on that time, i never thought that i would belong there. but i did have friends to talk with. when i was on grade 5, we were on section 2. then on grade 6, they transferred us on section 1. there came a time when one of my suitors did plan to date one of my closest friends, then i suddenly became a fiend. i don’t know why i behaved like i don’t want my suitors chasing other girls other than me. i was really being a bitch. until i’ve hurt my friend that bad. i became childish and i was evil. pure evil. i want them to break up and i acted like i was a very important person.
then i just saw that we’re not friends anymore. they kept their distance away from me. and i didn’t feel the courage to say sorry. to say that i was wrong. to tell them that i want to be friends again. we do regret some things in life especially the past. i don’t dwell in the past anymore but i also want to let these things out for my own benefit that i can’t take it anymore. i don’t want to be this kind of girl. i’ve became friends with them on facebook and that’s what there is to it. i know they’re going to accept my invitation but i know, there’s a very powerful barrier now that i can’t cross. on some point. i really missed them. but there came a time when it’s already too late.
just have to let them all go.
***
on my high school year, i have experienced on having a close friend to break up with his boyfriend. because…. i liked the guy. another one of my reckless moves.
this is what actually happened… and i don’t want to give specific names.
my friend Amy, we became close. their house is next to ours so we are exchanging letters because we can’t find time to talk with each other. then suddenly, i met his cousin, Rob. he’s like Mark Heras. and well, they have a resemblance. except he has a long hair. anyway, as time goes by, i came to like the guy. he’s always giving mixed signals and me, being 14 y/o and all, didn’t quite sure on how to catch his fake gestures. so i really played along.
then … we saw found out that she has a girlfriend. we thought that she’s a flirty girl with red hair/brown hair. i can’t imagine why i speak and think ill of other people when i was a kid. so stupid. anyway, so there, i planned to get close to the girl, Jasmine. i want to know what’s going on between them. and if they are really together. we, too, exchanged letters and we really hook it off. i never thought that we’ll be close and i don’ want to break that friendship anymore.
i, then, have sent a letter to her that somehow, there’s something going on with me and hs bf. but not directly. i have given her a scenario, but she’s too smart to read between the lines. that’s when everything got complicated.
i said to my said, this is total “BS”. i should have never interfered with them. they have a good thing going on and i became a close friend who’s a total bitch… i hated myself.
they go on and off for while. i disappeared from their way and i thought that everything is good now. until i heard that their relationship didn’t last. i blamed myself and i know that Jasmine, took her distance from me. i understood.
that distance became wider and longer… until it’s stretched some more and it’s farther than on what my arms and hands can ever reach.
these are the three major things that i’ve regretted ever since.
i told anyone that i never really regretted anything because it’s you who chose that path. i took that path and i didn’t looked back. i haven’t felt such a strong desire that they would hate me. they probably think i’m not a true friend. because i was.
i ruined something. something called, friendship that money can’t buy.
i also have caused a great chaos on my personality and let them think that i’m an easy-to-get girl.
so maybe, that’s the reason why i’m not good with guys. i’m cold, i’m now strict. i don’t want to have business with them, except on being just friends with them. and that’s it. i’ve created the ability to build a wall from guys… that they can’t cross the wall, not unless we’ll be friends and nothing more.
except for my boyfriend. it’s common sense. lol.
the new me… is the exact opposite of who i am before. and i think… this new me, will have to erase the bad memories that she created before.
and … i know they, might somehow, have the slightest chance of forgetting those things… and they’re completely over it. if they’ve forgiven me… then that’s good. if not… it’s still alright.
it’s their choice.
once again, i’m really sorry…
grin 