Change


We feel threatened if there are changes coming along our way.
I would definitely shut myself to the idea that I can’t simply just decide something then later on, if it didn’t work, I’ll be able to change it back.
Maybe, I was really afraid of change. That’s the only thing that’s permanent. I’m afraid of new challenges. I always avoid the things that will increase my confidence level. I always think that I’m not ready.
I’m depressed. I really am. I always shut myself to the reality of life. I drown my thoughts to this online game. I let myself down. I let my family down. I’m hopeless.
A person who is passionate with their work will surely enjoy the life that they deserve.
Hoping that something might change. For better or for worse. It’s inevitable. It’s not stable. I’m tired of chasing something that won’t last.
Prayers. Please. Save me.

I would not know. Can’t tell…


I don’t know. db338f432378abdbdaa392bb45dc642d

Well of course I do.

I just don’t want to say it or even admit it. But I do know what I feel.

Somehow we’re grown so much and we’ve come a long way now and I don’t want to be a bother to you.

And I always tell you that I’m sad.

Maybe because I’m thinking that we’re just in a game. Playing along with other players and when reality strikes back at me, I kindda freeze. I really am speechless.

Needless to say, I’m not really tired or have gone mad to the idea that I’m this crazy girl who loves to confuse myself into things that are easy to overcome.

And I maybe in a nutshell, trying to get out but I can’t and I’m not. I’m still inside and it seems that I’m stuck. This is what the real world is. And I’m just waiting to wake up. I want to strangle myself because I’m still a complete fool. This is ludicrous. I am being one.

I want to feel that I’m real. You’re real. They’re too. I just don’t want to free myself from being caught under the net which is suppose to be for anyone else. I made it myself…. this ridiculous and insane feeling. I’m not a creator of these feelings but it’s as if, I’ve just designed each one of them and call it my own.

I’m not a bipolar. I felt that I am, but I would not be like that if I’m the one who’s insinuating that I am. This is madness. This is bizarre. This is utterly beyond belief that I don’t know what I’m feeling right now.

I maybe crying, because I’m happy or just lonely? I just wouldn’t know. I’m lost for words.

Unfriended


What-When-Divorce-Takes-Over-Friendship

I realized that some people will take you out of their lives in a matter of time or as soon as possible.

I never thought that you would be one of them.

I thought we know each other well that we don’t need to be against each other or maybe I’m just imagining things.

I just imagined things.

I was furious. I was somewhat disappointed.

Disappointed because I know you were suppose to be my friend. My friend who I can trust. Someone who I can rely on.

But, no… I was wrong. I was wrong to trust you from the start. I don’t know why you would do this to me without even giving me any warning, or any sign that you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I was UNFRIENDED.

I don’t know if I have to be angry or sad… or both.

You were one of my “supposedly” friends that I knew who should understand me because we’re so close and you know me well. I guess it’s too late for having any arguments about it. You just decided on your own that, “Hey, guess what, I want you out of my life, so beat it.”. And yeah, it worked.

For days now I’ve been wondering, “Why?”. Did I do something wrong? If you’re really my friend and you’ve noticed that I’ve done something wrong, you should’ve told me, right? You should’ve asked.

I never asked for anything in return but you’re so unfair.

Unfair… that I was not aware that our friendship is failing. I didn’t think of anything, and now, you’ve given me a message that’s hard to understand. Hard to miss. Hard to carry off my back.

I’ve done everything that I can to hold on to our friendship.

I’ve done my part.

Maybe this time, I have to let you go. I hope you’re happy with your decision.

And now I have to be happy with mine. I have to accept it. I have to move on.

I’m still here. Waiting for your call.

But it’s too late.

You called it.

I’ll hung up.

broken-friendship

A Dream and Another


I dreamt of you. 

I don’t know why. I don’t know what I was thinking.

 
This happened maybe, 2 days ago.
 
We were in a small room and the place is unfamiliar. My friends were there and I was asleep. When I awoke by the noise because everyone was busy talking with each other…
 
…I saw you. 

It looked like you were looking at me while I was asleep then turned away right after you and I realize that you’re staring at me while I was busy dreaming of you.
 
I remembered that a friend told me, “Hey, he keeps on looking at you. He didn’t flinched and stared at you the whole time that you’re asleep.”
 
I froze.
I blushed.
I was curious.
 
I asked myself, “Why?”.
I asked again, “Are you still in love with me?”
 
I can’t remember any other scenario after that… everything is blank.
 
We started to talk again. And yeah, I didn’t keep my pledge. I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t help it. I appreciate you taking the time to read my message and making time to even reply to one of my silly emoji’s.
 
I know it’s weird, and maybe it’s good that we have this kind of connection again, to not feel awkward if ever we meet one of these days.
 
This time of the year is when everything is cold, and I can feel the weather even rising when I’m talking to you. It feels like a soft and cold breeze that keeps on making me want to wake up every day.
 
 
Then this day came…
 
I dreamt of you… for a second time.
 
It’s kind of the same setting…
 
I saw myself automatically walking outside of my house but it has a different exterior but I know it’s mine. Then I saw you, looks like you are waiting for something… or someone?
 
While I was walking right passed you, I really didn’t know where I was going… I just kept on walking. I felt my footsteps so heavy while stepping on the pavements of the street. I think that I’m cold.
 
Then abruptly, I believe that I have forgotten something. I swiftly went back home and I saw you, ran passed you. You are still waiting and I sensed that you are somehow, disappointed?
 
“About what?”, I wonder.
“Were you waiting for me?”, I wondered again.
“Were you disappointed because I didn’t even stop and be with you at that moment?”, I wondered again and again.
 
I am frustrated about myself too.
 
When I went to the house, our friends were there…
 
Then someone told me, “Hey, did you know that he’s looking at you while you’re asleep? He can’t take his eyes off of you”.
 
Do they mean that before you went outside, you were there with me the whole time?
 
I was stunned. I know that this dream happened before, but why? Is it relevant on what’s going to take place now? Or that’s what’s happening right now? Or has it happened before?
 
I’m speechless.
I’m furious.
I’m confused.
 
I can’t use this as a sign. This is just a dream, right?
 
I thought about this. I didn’t know how am I going to interpret a situation like this. Was this a big deal or am I just making it like one?
 
 
Vague. Blurry. Unclear.
 
 
And I guess… Damn, I’m waiting for more. 

  

6 Years on WordPress


Yay to me!

But boo to my posts. I don’t have enough posts here and I feel guilty that it’s been 6 years already since I’ve started writing something on the top of my head.

I’ll make it up to you. I want to try to make things work by writing some more articles then let’s try to see if I’ve been able to achieve something out of nothing on WordPress. I don’t know what are the achievements that I can win by blogging every week or almost everyday, but I’ll still try to keep it up!

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Thank you for Grinning with me!