I realized that some people will take you out of their lives in a matter of time or as soon as possible.
I never thought that you would be one of them.
I thought we know each other well that we don’t need to be against each other or maybe I’m just imagining things.
I just imagined things.
I was furious. I was somewhat disappointed.
Disappointed because I know you were suppose to be my friend. My friend who I can trust. Someone who I can rely on.
But, no… I was wrong. I was wrong to trust you from the start. I don’t know why you would do this to me without even giving me any warning, or any sign that you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I was UNFRIENDED.
I don’t know if I have to be angry or sad… or both.
You were one of my “supposedly” friends that I knew who should understand me because we’re so close and you know me well. I guess it’s too late for having any arguments about it. You just decided on your own that, “Hey, guess what, I want you out of my life, so beat it.”. And yeah, it worked.
For days now I’ve been wondering, “Why?”. Did I do something wrong? If you’re really my friend and you’ve noticed that I’ve done something wrong, you should’ve told me, right? You should’ve asked.
I never asked for anything in return but you’re so unfair.
Unfair… that I was not aware that our friendship is failing. I didn’t think of anything, and now, you’ve given me a message that’s hard to understand. Hard to miss. Hard to carry off my back.
I’ve done everything that I can to hold on to our friendship.
I’ve done my part.
Maybe this time, I have to let you go. I hope you’re happy with your decision.
And now I have to be happy with mine. I have to accept it. I have to move on.
I’m still here. Waiting for your call.
But it’s too late.
You called it.
I’ll hung up.
I dreamt of you.
I don’t know why. I don’t know what I was thinking.
This happened maybe, 2 days ago.
We were in a small room and the place is unfamiliar. My friends were there and I was asleep. When I awoke by the noise because everyone was busy talking with each other…
…I saw you.
It looked like you were looking at me while I was asleep then turned away right after you and I realize that you’re staring at me while I was busy dreaming of you.
I remembered that a friend told me, “Hey, he keeps on looking at you. He didn’t flinched and stared at you the whole time that you’re asleep.”
I was curious.
I asked myself, “Why?”.
I asked again, “Are you still in love with me?”
I can’t remember any other scenario after that… everything is blank.
We started to talk again. And yeah, I didn’t keep my pledge. I just wanted to talk to you. I couldn’t help it. I appreciate you taking the time to read my message and making time to even reply to one of my silly emoji’s.
I know it’s weird, and maybe it’s good that we have this kind of connection again, to not feel awkward if ever we meet one of these days.
This time of the year is when everything is cold, and I can feel the weather even rising when I’m talking to you. It feels like a soft and cold breeze that keeps on making me want to wake up every day.
Then this day came…
I dreamt of you… for a second time.
It’s kind of the same setting…
I saw myself automatically walking outside of my house but it has a different exterior but I know it’s mine. Then I saw you, looks like you are waiting for something… or someone?
While I was walking right passed you, I really didn’t know where I was going… I just kept on walking. I felt my footsteps so heavy while stepping on the pavements of the street. I think that I’m cold.
Then abruptly, I believe that I have forgotten something. I swiftly went back home and I saw you, ran passed you. You are still waiting and I sensed that you are somehow, disappointed?
“About what?”, I wonder.
“Were you waiting for me?”, I wondered again.
“Were you disappointed because I didn’t even stop and be with you at that moment?”, I wondered again and again.
I am frustrated about myself too.
When I went to the house, our friends were there…
Then someone told me, “Hey, did you know that he’s looking at you while you’re asleep? He can’t take his eyes off of you”.
Do they mean that before you went outside, you were there with me the whole time?
I was stunned. I know that this dream happened before, but why? Is it relevant on what’s going to take place now? Or that’s what’s happening right now? Or has it happened before?
I can’t use this as a sign. This is just a dream, right?
I thought about this. I didn’t know how am I going to interpret a situation like this. Was this a big deal or am I just making it like one?
Vague. Blurry. Unclear.
And I guess… Damn, I’m waiting for more.
Yay to me!
But boo to my posts. I don’t have enough posts here and I feel guilty that it’s been 6 years already since I’ve started writing something on the top of my head.
I’ll make it up to you. I want to try to make things work by writing some more articles then let’s try to see if I’ve been able to achieve something out of nothing on WordPress. I don’t know what are the achievements that I can win by blogging every week or almost everyday, but I’ll still try to keep it up!
Thank you for Grinning with me!
I have had the biggest regret in my entire life. And it’s you. It’s always been you. I don’t know if it’s forever, because you know what they say, “there’s no forever”. But anyway, you’re “IT”. This throne will not be taken away from you. I can’t guarantee anything but as of this moment, you own it.
I don’t know if you are going to be able to read this. It’s okay if you didn’t. It’s alright if you did. In any sense, this is for you.
We’ve never spoken again ever since and yes, I still feel bad the way that I treated you. I’m not totally honest with you and for the record; I didn’t play with your feelings. I told you anything that I could possibly think of so that you’d know my side of the story. Maybe I don’t care if you believe me or not but at least I told you my part.
I know it doesn’t make any sense at that time. I thought that I’m ready again but I’m not. Maybe I’m scared enough to tell you that what we have going on is a good thing for me. You were there for me when I needed someone. You have been there for me, without asking anything in return. Thank you and I’m sorry.
It’s been tough on you. You just wanted me to be happy. I didn’t give you the happiness part. Instead, I hurt you. Again. For the nth time. I have decided to leave you be. For good. I’ve been saying this for so many times now and I still can’t seem to move on. That’s the reason why I have given myself a deadline, that I need to stop bothering you if you have a new girlfriend. Even though you don’t have one right now, I’ll try to start to stop.
It’s been a while since I’ve remembered how happy we were when we’re together. It’s the greatest thing that happened to me. There’s never a time when we have the longest fight.
Hey, please… do me a favor. I know you’re now happy with your life and you’re trying to move on. But please, for me… find the girl of your dreams or wait for your fate to come. Maybe this is not yet the right time for you… and we never know what comes next.
Pick the most beautiful girl that will make you wish why you have never seen her before. Choose the one who’ll make you a hundred times more confident about yourself. Love someone who will also love you the way you love her. Be with her for the rest of your life. Right there and then, I’ll be able to let you go and move on, because I know someone else is gonna make you the most luckiest guy in the whole world.
Make sure that I’m nothing like her. Make sure that she’s the one. Make sure that you’re gonna take care of her. Make sure to not compare her with anybody.
And make sure that you’ll never let her go this time. No matter what. Fight for her. Don’t ever give up!
I’ll be glad to see you with someone who’ll put a smile on your face instead of someone like me who’s not worth your time. I’m not worthy of your time and effort. So choose wisely, listen to your heart then let your mind show you the path that you should’ve taken in the first place.
I don’t want us to have any bad feelings for each other anymore. I know it will take time and I’ll take my chances. I’ll wait for us to be friends again.
“I have loved you. I did my best…” – The Theory of Everything
Maybe that’s the reason why I’m not confident… and it’s about my insecurities. I’m lying to myself too often that I might forget who I am really are. Or were.
When it comes to physical appearance, I can quite say that I’m not like before.
My face is now round like a watermelon. My arms are like cucumbers that’s pathetically way out of measure. My stomach does look like a big bulge and I can’t easily remove it. My thighs are like swollen eggplants all the way down to the feet. My hair is not shiny as it used to be. My face is a little bit of a haystack… full of needles. I hate everything about me. Now.
Yeah, I’m fat. This is not the chubby type for me.
I weigh over 65 kilos(I’m 50 kilos before.). And I don’t know if our tape measure can even measure my waistline anymore. I don’t like where this is headed but it sure is difficult to explain and even mutter in my head.
I’m too depressed. I don’t like anti-depressants, not that I’ve taken some pills before but as what I’ve checked on some movies, it will make you more insane (already am, thank you very much.).
I don’t want to talk to a psychiatrist either since they don’t know what I’m going through and they’re strangers to me. They will just say things that you wanna hear. Maybe. I don’t know exactly what it feels like. In any case, I’m too bored. I’m too lazy to start working out.
Others say that maybe I’m pregnant. I know I’m not. I can’t be. But it still hurts to hear them say that I look like that I already have a bump and I need to get ready for baby stuffs. No, no, no!
I must do these things in order for me to feel better.
This will be my 5-month goal challenge. To be able to cosplay, “Alice Madness Returns” on October 2015.
- Eat fruits – banana, apples, watermelons(these fruits usually are easy to buy from the market)
- Eat rolled oats in the morning after shift – better to have fiber in the body
- Do some crunches – start with 20x a day then add another 2 on the next day, and so forth
- Eat less rice – DO NOT EAT AT ANY EAT-ALL-YOU-CAN-BUFFET or UNLI RICE eatery
- No sweets – discipline myself from eating too much chocolate, cakes, doughnuts
- Drink water – I’m not a fan of drinking water, but I have to do this for at least 3 liters a day!
- Sleep a lot – I’m also not a sleeper but I have to and it will prevent pimples as well
- Calamansi – have to put calamansi on my face 2x a day. Need to have an umbrella for protection
- Relax – to achieve this 5-month goal, I need to breathe. Calm my mind and heart from worries
- Love myself – I have to be confident about myself. Love my body. Love everything about me
If I’m not able to follow all of these and I failed this challenge… I’ll be damned.
I need to do this for myself. People who are dear to me expects me to change for the better and not for the worse.
I know I can do this.