Still awake


right now, i don’t see the point why im still awake? 

I cant see the point why i dont want to sleep. My eyes are puffy. My head is too strong and its keeping me awake… Why is that? 

I cant sleep. I have dreamt about the things that i want to do later and i have dreamt about my addiction. Gaia Online. One of my favorites… Sigh. Im also thinking about what i should do with my life… And why im sulking right now. I dont want any pity, i just want to blog this out… 

Im not smart but im not that stupid either… I dont know what im talking about right now… I dont know what’s gotten’ up in my head. 

I feel like im being numb. I still dont know what i really want. Still dont know. 

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind


“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot. The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”

one of my favorite movie.

it’s so sad, isn’t it? being forgotten by the most important person in your world and just like that…

you are not remembered.

why would you think that you will get bored of someone that you once loved? or are you just experiencing a post-traumatic disorder where you realize you wanted to be alone, without him/her in your life?

have you ever ask yourself… do you really love the person? because if you do… you must be committed in every way you can to make them happy. yes. sometimes it will be rough. you will encounter hardships along the way, and it will not be the fairy tale that you wanted it to be. it can be, if you work on it.

when i watched this movie for several times now… they have this recording of one another on how bad they feel going through the procedure because they want to forget each other. Clementine and Joel are both incomplete. especially Clementine. She don’t know herself anymore. it’s like she is not the Clementine that she knew. it started when she’s with Joel. Joel’s life, as he always states, is not interesting. As Clem told Joel that her life is an open book to him, but Joel never shares any personal details to Clem. They’re not that open to one another.

Clementine is the one who did it first. The whole erasing him thing. Joel just did the procedure because he can’t take the pain anymore. he’s confused. he must really love her to the extent that he don’t want to lose her and he kept on running away with her on his memories while he can to suppress the memory of her. while the guys who does the erasing thing, Joel fights back. he doesn’t want it. he can’t. it’s already done. it’s too late.

in this case, when Joel woke up, he didn’t remember anything about Clem. every piece of her in his apartment. gone. every memory, good ones and bad ones. gone. i thought that it’s over. but fate will tell you when it is over. you will have your second chance. just make sure that it will work for good. it’ll still be hard but as long as you’re in it together, nothing will go wrong.

if you really are meant to be, chances are, fate will bring you back together.

it came to me in the most obvious way… that love can be challenging. you thought that you’ve met the most undesirable person in the world just because he didn’t meet your standards. but did it ever occur to you that maybe you have to change something in yourself too? that maybe you’ve been this unkind person as well and you also thinking that you are doing just fine, but the truth is, you’re not. sometimes we believe that we’re not doing anything wrong and we must not care what other people think just because you know you’re not doing anything wrong. that’s not how it works.

if you know that someone is hurting because of your doings, are you still going to continue the way you handle things? well, think again. what if that person is doing the same thing to you? and deep inside you really don’t like it cause you’re hurting… ​

be respectful. be sensitive. be mindful that your mind doesn’t fit other people’s minds. we have our own beliefs. as long as you know that you’re not stepping on to someone, then everything should be fine. that’s how you are going to be remembered.

in my part, i’m just quiet. well, sometimes i’m not. i can be cruel. i can be rude. i can be this monster who’ll not be satisfied with what i already know. i’m like a detective. i know what you are doing and what’s going to happen after you did it. every event are unpredictable. inevitable.

Greedy


i’m still the same, selfish as i can be. i’m greedy. 

i don’t know how to understand it myself. how can i be that greedy to the person that i love the most. it’s not what i wanted to do, but i already did it… 

what can i do to prevent it from happening again?

i’m sorry dude.

Chasing Cars


We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They’re not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we’re told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that’s bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they’re all I can see

I don’t know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Embracing Reality


It’s been a year since a lot happened. It’s been a year since i’ve been able to change everything. it’s been a hell of a year that i’ve learned so much and thus Christmas is a season to be cherry. a season that will also remind me that everything keeps on moving forward. everything is different now. everything must go on. let go then move on.

right now, i’m just alone. in my own space. i have work this Christmas eve. been reminiscing the smell of a good year and somehow i’m happy. even though life have gotten tough on me, i know that… everything happens for a reason. i don’t know what else to say and think but i know there are things that’s waiting for me on the other side of the road. this journey taught me a lot of things that i can’t mention at this moment, but i will in a later date. anyway, i’m just thankful that everything turned out the way that it’s supposed to be. it’s not what i originally planned but i’m still glad that we keep on experiencing these kind of situation no matter how bad it would be or no matter how things will turn out to be.

i can’t say that this has been miserable, i can’t say that i’m totally happy… but i appreciate every drop of memory that i made this year.

we must let go of the things that we know that we really want but we can’t have. life will bring you the anything that we think we deserve. we can’t blame them for not being able to surpass our expectations but i’m still grateful because i know somehow, somewhere, somewhat … i’m able to embrace reality. the reality that i must acknowledge and accept.

i don’t know if i’m still on the loop of the 5 stages of loss… and if it’s being applied to my life, i hope to experience it a little faster. i want to move on. i want to be strong… and different. i want to face my challenges alone so i would know if i can make my own decisions and be ready for the consequences. it will be good if someone will also face these challenges with me… but who knows… i know he’s just right there. waiting. and i also hope that it’s not too late when the right time comes. it’s not false hope but just give it time. i just need to heal these wounds so it will be better in the future.

i’m not giving up in life. you must too.

i wish to have a happy Christmas.

oh well, Happy Christmas to all ! =,)

sigh…


some things are worth waiting for…

and some things are worth fighting for.

but if you’re not willing to do these two things, think twice, thrice and many times.

there are so many regrets that we want to prevent but this will determine our patience and the skill to just…

love.

my mind right now


be strong bronte.

everything happens for a reason.

everything that you do, everything that everyone do, happens for a reason. it will fit to the right spot. it will be on the right page.

i may not be the strongest girl in the world but i want to be the strongest girl on this situation.

i’m tired of being stepped on.

i’m tired of being taken for granted.

i’m tired of being weak. i’m tired of everything. i wanted to rest.

i wanted to take a break. i wanted to let them know that they can’t take away the dignity and pride that’s supposed to be there in the first place.

i wanted them to know my value.

i don’t want anyone or any other people make me feel that i’m not good enough. i have feelings that can suppress anything… that can conquer the weak points in my heart. i know i can do it, i’m just not applying it.

sometimes i wonder why did i sacrifice my pride? why am i sacrificing everything? why am i not giving myself time to think to love myself more?

some people won’t know the value of something until it’s gone. they won’t know the things that will make them happy because it’s their choice if they’re going to make their lives miserable. or otherwise, depends on them, on how they’ll make their day happy.

happiness is a choice. now, i completely understand it. i didn’t realize it before. and it’s good to know that i can do better things with my new life. i don’t know what’s ahead of me. i don’t know what’s out there…

i won’t let anyone, again, think that i’m not their kind of girl… who’ll just be afraid of being alone… who’ll just be somebody’s doormat. i hope i can be bronte again. the kind of bronte who’ll be brave enough to step outside her comfort zone and have courage to face the truth.

i’m so curious that my head will blew off and i would never risk my happiness just because of the questions that’s been running on my head. i hope this too, shall pass. i don’t want this to be a burden in my life. but once a curious person starts asking questions, expect them to have some follow-up questions based on your answers.

am i going to ask? am i this paranoid to ask who that person is? am i this curious person who wants to have a peaceful life, just by ignoring this truth that i wanted to know?

weird encounter.