I realized that some people will take you out of their lives in a matter of time or as soon as possible.

I never thought that you would be one of them.

I thought we know each other well that we don’t need to be against each other or maybe I’m just imagining things.

I just imagined things.

I was furious. I was somewhat disappointed.

Disappointed because I know you were suppose to be my friend. My friend who I can trust. Someone who I can rely on.

But, no… I was wrong. I was wrong to trust you from the start. I don’t know why you would do this to me without even giving me any warning, or any sign that you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I was UNFRIENDED.

I don’t know if I have to be angry or sad… or both.

You were one of my “supposedly” friends that I knew who should understand me because we’re so close and you know me well. I guess it’s too late for having any arguments about it. You just decided on your own that, “Hey, guess what, I want you out of my life, so beat it.”. And yeah, it worked.

For days now I’ve been wondering, “Why?”. Did I do something wrong? If you’re really my friend and you’ve noticed that I’ve done something wrong, you should’ve told me, right? You should’ve asked.

I never asked for anything in return but you’re so unfair.

Unfair… that I was not aware that our friendship is failing. I didn’t think of anything, and now, you’ve given me a message that’s hard to understand. Hard to miss. Hard to carry off my back.

I’ve done everything that I can to hold on to our friendship.

I’ve done my part.

Maybe this time, I have to let you go. I hope you’re happy with your decision.

And now I have to be happy with mine. I have to accept it. I have to move on.

I’m still here. Waiting for your call.

But it’s too late.

You called it.

I’ll hung up.


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot. The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.”

one of my favorite movie.

it’s so sad, isn’t it? being forgotten by the most important person in your world and just like that…

you are not remembered.

why would you think that you will get bored of someone that you once loved? or are you just experiencing a post-traumatic disorder where you realize you wanted to be alone, without him/her in your life?

have you ever ask yourself… do you really love the person? because if you do… you must be committed in every way you can to make them happy. yes. sometimes it will be rough. you will encounter hardships along the way, and it will not be the fairy tale that you wanted it to be. it can be, if you work on it.

when i watched this movie for several times now… they have this recording of one another on how bad they feel going through the procedure because they want to forget each other. Clementine and Joel are both incomplete. especially Clementine. She don’t know herself anymore. it’s like she is not the Clementine that she knew. it started when she’s with Joel. Joel’s life, as he always states, is not interesting. As Clem told Joel that her life is an open book to him, but Joel never shares any personal details to Clem. They’re not that open to one another.

Clementine is the one who did it first. The whole erasing him thing. Joel just did the procedure because he can’t take the pain anymore. he’s confused. he must really love her to the extent that he don’t want to lose her and he kept on running away with her on his memories while he can to suppress the memory of her. while the guys who does the erasing thing, Joel fights back. he doesn’t want it. he can’t. it’s already done. it’s too late.

in this case, when Joel woke up, he didn’t remember anything about Clem. every piece of her in his apartment. gone. every memory, good ones and bad ones. gone. i thought that it’s over. but fate will tell you when it is over. you will have your second chance. just make sure that it will work for good. it’ll still be hard but as long as you’re in it together, nothing will go wrong.

if you really are meant to be, chances are, fate will bring you back together.

it came to me in the most obvious way… that love can be challenging. you thought that you’ve met the most undesirable person in the world just because he didn’t meet your standards. but did it ever occur to you that maybe you have to change something in yourself too? that maybe you’ve been this unkind person as well and you also thinking that you are doing just fine, but the truth is, you’re not. sometimes we believe that we’re not doing anything wrong and we must not care what other people think just because you know you’re not doing anything wrong. that’s not how it works.

if you know that someone is hurting because of your doings, are you still going to continue the way you handle things? well, think again. what if that person is doing the same thing to you? and deep inside you really don’t like it cause you’re hurting… ​

be respectful. be sensitive. be mindful that your mind doesn’t fit other people’s minds. we have our own beliefs. as long as you know that you’re not stepping on to someone, then everything should be fine. that’s how you are going to be remembered.

in my part, i’m just quiet. well, sometimes i’m not. i can be cruel. i can be rude. i can be this monster who’ll not be satisfied with what i already know. i’m like a detective. i know what you are doing and what’s going to happen after you did it. every event are unpredictable. inevitable.


what i really wished for

october 21, 2013… this is the day that everything is over between us. i’m not going to blog this event out, but there’s something that i wished for that i just wanted to share.. on that day.

that’s the last time that we talked. the last time that i saw his face. and to be honest… i missed him. i miss him.

i tossed a coin on to one of the finest fountains on mall of asia. then i made a wish.

i thought to myself that, maybe, somehow, or someday… if we really were meant for each other, we will cross our paths once again. we’ll be able to forget on what happened on that day, when we’re still kids and can be together in the future.

he actually asked what i really wished for but i didn’t tell him. oh well, blogging it out right now might gave him the idea and maybe he’ll read this. i don’t know. well anyway, i’ve already hurt him. and now it’s over.

at present, we still have communication. and i don’t want to answer his questions or any of his doubts. i wanna leave it this way. i don’t wanna comment on this kind of situation.

he was never a bother, but i just don’t like him to know what i have in mind. i want to let him be. be on his way and live the life that he wanted it to be. and it’s without me.

right now i want to focus on my priorities, and i want him to think on his own too. maybe and yes… i know that the biggest regret that i have is that i have broken up with him and for the purpose of giving him the life that he deserve. the life that he didn’t have without me. the life that he can manage to do on his own. i admire his love and generosity of letting me go. i know it’s not easy for me to give him up but on the back of my mind… i have to. it’s for his own good and not mine. i’m still hurt that i don’t have him in my life anymore, and for those 3 years, 8 months and 3 days, i didn’t regret it. i really love him from the bottom of my heart and my heart will always love him. there will be some changes because we have to adjust.

we need to know that our relationship didn’t exist anymore, but that’s why i wished that maybe, somehow, or someday…


if God intends to let our roads diverged into one, then so be it.. if not, that’s alright too. there are things that you have to let go and some things that you have to give up. and those things are the ones where you can learn your lessons from.

past will never be a regret.

doing something that you should have done but you didn’t is.

this part of the deal is really challenging and somewhat can give you the idea that even the greatest love story will end, but if it’s really that great it will find a way to continue the story.


love is not complicated. the people in that situation are.

This has been the biggest regret of my life until now. But if ever that he’s now happy without me, that’s perfectly fine. I’ll respect it.

my real wish is to be with him for the rest of my life if we’re really meant for each other. We’re still young… Time will tell. We’ll just have to wait and see for us to find out.

– this post is originally published on the 6th of November 2013

can’t please everybody

i know for a fact that nobody cares.

it’s like you’re in the middle of the ocean and there are sharks that’s been roaming around and you can’t escape. firstly, i don’t even know why suddenly i became the center of attention of those sharks and second of all what am i doing in the middle of the ocean? insanity really drives me crazy sometime. tell me about it. irony knows it.

here i am again. bragging about people who you or we can not please. the thing is, why are you gonna please them? do you owe them something? are they doing things that you can’t actually do? are they these famous people who really can give you happiness that you wanted your whole life? nah. that’s such a waste of time… if you really think about it, it’s kindda weird that you’re trying your best to make them happy… but are you happy on what you’re doing? are you enjoying being just their friend without you being happy as well?

in my opinion, and for other’s as well… and as the saying goes… we can’t please everybody. that’s the only thing that you have to think about if they don’t want your company. and you’ll just notice that their going to keep their distance away from you if they don’t like to make you a part of their group.

i’m sad to hear from other people or just to simply notice the gestures that i’ve been trying to interpret and faithfully, i’m able to read them. i was kind of expecting that i can be the person who they can rely to… but in the end, i’m the one who’s relying on to them. i’m not that strong. i’m not that weak either, but as time goes by, every single detail of my life is not that clear anymore. yeah, i’m wearing glasses to see what’s clear or not. but even glasses can’t see or know the  future that’s ahead of me and it will take me by surprise. without a word. without any warnings.

because of my previous post when i was a flirt and a total b-i-t-c-h, i know that people can’t trust me the way they trusted me before. i have so many lies… so many friendships that i can’t make up with anymore… so many people that i have broken their trust with… and my heart is breaking day by day… i can’t bury those regrets. i don’t know if i’m learning from them, but it would be better if i really am.

i’m building good relationships with my friends and family and i’m happy the way things are now. i want them to know how gentle they are towards me, how good my life is because of them, how blessed i am to be in God’s hands…

so, if i can’t please everybody, at least i’m pleasing my love ones… the ones who really cared, the ones who’s there for me from the start, the ones who’ll hug me tight while i’m hugging them back, and the ones who didn’t leave me.. up until now.


i’m sort of happy.

getting the wrong idea

i never really meant things like being sweet and such and it’s not in my nature to do cheesy things. as a friend you have the ability to bring out the best or the worst out in you… but sometimes, it just so happens that it’ll not work out with the opposite sex. mainly… and naturally the friendship of a boy and a girl.

and … we’re talking about… me.

i have a friend now that we turned out to be quite close, and yes, he’s a guy. unfortunately, i just like his company and he’s funny. but. as a friend. do you know the meaning of being friends? in my dictionary, … will never be lovers and will never be more than friends. no mutual understandings and no reason to get any closer other than that. i have a boyfriend and we’ve been going out for approximately 3 and a half years now. we have some ups and downs because we can’t be perfect if we’re not fighting from time to time. and even though we don’t see each other for quite sometime, it will not be a major case for us. that’s the reason why we have these so-called technology where you can catch people using the internet … mobile devices or computers and the like.

so the so-called friend of mine, is just an ordinary friend. even if you’re a guy, i’ll treat you as a friend. just bear in my that if i have noticed something different from your usual routine and i’ve realized that you’re now treating me, special, … and it’s been like this for days or weeks now, i’ll make a not-so-sudden action… of pulling away from the friendship that’s been built, because in every relationship that i have, i already made a barrier from the start. so that the guy friend who’ll try to make a way to break that barrier, will not get anything from me. just the words, “we are just friends” (the best line of all times who breaks millions of souls… sadly, even nowadays)

that kind of strategy is one of the strongest part in me that i know will not break. there are certain boundaries that i keep especially to guy friends. i also have a guy friend back then who wants to have lunch only with me. just the two of us… and i was like, “oh, sorry. that’s not possible.” i’ve been like that since i have a boyfriend. and if you’re the girl, it’s not a appropriate.

that’s why we have these ‘limits’. everything will be out of hand and no one will take you seriously(except for your friends who truly accepts you).

i want to avoid getting the wrong idea from other people. it would mark an impression on people whom i never even met yet, or whom i will get meet in the future. just like what i said on some of my blog posts here that i don’t care what people say to me. as long as i know what i’m doing and as long as i’m not hurting other people as well.

i know myself more that anyone. i know it. no one can say to me, “i know you more than you do…” .. now, that’s wrong. maybe that’s my own perspective through life. i don’t want to let anyone tell me what i should do. i admit that i’m talking to my friends about the problems that i have, but we need to face it alone. in the end, it’s your own problem, not theirs.

then, on my current situation, i want to avoid unnecessary gossip. and because he’s not acting like his usual self… i’m gonna start keeping my distance away from him. that’s also my own kind of routine. i also don’t want him to get the wrong idea.

just friends. nothing more, nothing less.

it’s not what you think it is

sometimes, in our community once you see a girl and a boy who’s always hanging out are so called, “boyfriend-girlfriend”. some are wrong. some are correct. but there’s no assurance on what’s the truth. don’t judge something base on what you see and not knowing what’s the story behind those actions and behind those words.

too see is to believe? who believes this?

just like this one, “believing is seeing”

if you truly believe that that something is really true, it can be, but it’s in your own mind only. you won’t know what you want to know anymore. maybe some of the time, people have lied to you in a certain time, then you’ve forgiven them… and then there they go again. lying.

is it good to lie? are you gonna benefit from it?

on dry land, have you noticed that that kind of thing is acceptable? i know, everybody lies… but at some point there’s this ‘timing’ that we can think about if we’re going to do this stuff. it’s hard to forgive someone especially if it’s a very close friend and you’ve felt like you’ve been betrayed, but did it even occur to you that you can just tell them what you’re up to so in that case, if everything goes wrong,they’ll react as if they don’t know what’s happening, and there’s a secret grin hidden inside them and will just turn into a sudden laughter because they can’t hold to the thought that the impossible became possible.

trust. all we need to faith. i’ve felt like jumping from an airplane which is 50-feet from the ground who’ll not bring my own parachute… what’s so ironic is that, i’m afraid of heights.

i’ve had it.

i want to clear this up. i don’t want to have any misunderstandings. it’s not important what people say behind my back… it’s just that it kindda pisses me off because it’s so redundant… super.

i don’t know. just a thought for today.

on my own

just like the famous song, ‘on my own’ …


am too.


i care a lot.

and i don’t know if that’s my weakness or not. but all i know is that i really care for my family, friends, love one, and people who also knows that i exist… and sometimes i’m a bit selfish too, because of the fact that i just want them all to myself. yeah, that’s selfishness alright, but i think it’s ok since i’m only thinking about this stuff, on my own. we have our own life’s desires and mine is to love people unconditionally… whether they like it or not. i do want them to know how i love them, or i really adore being with them.

there are times that i just want to tell them what i really feel but i’m discouraged. i’m a very expressive person in front of my friends and i admit that i’m also a crybaby to show them that i’m not afraid to let them know that i want to share these kind of feelings with them because they’re special to me. i don’t want them to worry and cause any trouble. hmm. but i think i am trouble enough.

what can i do if i’m only expressing my loneliness by myself? i can’t help but to wonder if ever they ever think of me too? i’m jealous. i’ve felt the sadness in my heart as i’m trying to reach them with my hands. i want to hug them tight. i want to whisper in their minds that i’m always here. i’m ready to take in the problems that their facing right now. i’m not going to question them on what really happen. it’s ok for me to let them cry on my shoulder and be a human comforter, just like the blanket if it’s too cold, i can warm their hearts with my sweet embrace.(kindda like a song huh?)

i don’t know when my ‘depression’ started, but it felt like it happened a year ago. i think it’s when i have done such an unforgettable and unforgivable act. and it’s kindda weird that there are stuff that i can’t see clearly. i want them to be beside me, always. and the fact that they can’t… it really sucked. i’m happy because till now, i’m in their lives… but for how long? are we going to be like this… forever?

people move on. and i’m the only one who’s still stuck. i have a different world that i called, Neverland. and where is it now? living in my head. also stuck.

that’s why i’ve felt being alone. alone with my true feelings. all alone. my old self is not coming back. not like what it’s used to be. i’m expecting something great in me. something that i’m going to be proud of… now it’s missing.

so is it really ok with me to do it on my own? to not depend on other people but myself? to see if i can stand and live my life even without crying something out?

i’m not that brave to face it all… but God knows how strong i am.


so i…


also wanna keep reminding myself, that i can do everything… and hold all these feelings until it’s all been heard. slowly and silently.


crying out loud

there’s this pain that i’m keeping inside my heart. i’ve kept it for a very long time. not too long, but long enough for me to blog it out. i don’t know if i can’t take it anymore or if i just can’t get the idea out of my head that i’m not needed at all.

that’s why i needed someone who wants to find me. someone who wants to confide in me. someone who trusts me. someone who i can also rely on too. someone who i can call every time i’m in doubt about life. yes, i’ve found them but why am i still bothered about this?

the feeling when someone texts you and wants to talk with you is a really nice thing, but somehow i still find it empty. i’m not questioning the motive of the person, it’s just that, i’ve just noticed… i’m always the one who’s calling out for them so that we can have a good time. even a small time is very important to me.

i posted on facebook:

time is very important to me.
i’m not giving it out just to anybody.
so if i gave you my time… you’re also important to me…
but also try to remember,
some ‘time’ …
runs out.


i’m about to burst out in tears but there’s nothing that’s running down on my cheeks. day by day i’m becoming numb. it’s like i can’t say something like this on facebook because everyone will see it, and it felt like it’s much safer to post it here on wordpress so even though i’m going to blog it here, no one will notice this. maybe a few but… i don’t think it will matter to them. i don’t know i just cant say things would get better. maybe they will be but who knows right?

i’d love to hang out with my friends…

i hope they love hanging out with me too.

there are these kind of feelings that i don’t want to tell anybody so, i let other people read it instead because i know that they don’t know me. they’re just going to read a blog of a random blogger that they get see on their reader. i’ve tried to tell this thing but i backed out. maybe because it’s not worth mentioning.

the important thing is, i let it out even just for a while.




the feeling of getting tired

i sat here. i lied down. i wondered. it took some time for it to sync in. then i stumbled through old memories. i closed my eyes.

everything is dark. not one was there. i looked up the sky and there’s not a single cloud that you can see. then i just realized that i don’t wanna wake up anymore. but i figured that it’s not yet my time. i still need to do something. i don’t know what’s my life’s purpose, and i guess i’ll never know unless i’m going to do something that i should be doing.

but ‘m too tired to handle the same thing again. i don’t want to be that kind of person again. i want to get out of there. i don’t want to be that person anymore.

i don’t have a reason to stay like this. i can’t hold other people’s feeling nor their decision as well.

i want it to stop. stop. stop. stop.


and that’s where i wanted to do for now.


start from scratch. then will try it again.