my mind right now


be strong bronte.

everything happens for a reason.

everything that you do, everything that everyone do, happens for a reason. it will fit to the right spot. it will be on the right page.

i may not be the strongest girl in the world but i want to be the strongest girl on this situation.

i’m tired of being stepped on.

i’m tired of being taken for granted.

i’m tired of being weak. i’m tired of everything. i wanted to rest.

i wanted to take a break. i wanted to let them know that they can’t take away the dignity and pride that’s supposed to be there in the first place.

i wanted them to know my value.

i don’t want anyone or any other people make me feel that i’m not good enough. i have feelings that can suppress anything… that can conquer the weak points in my heart. i know i can do it, i’m just not applying it.

sometimes i wonder why did i sacrificed my pride? why am i sacrificing everything? why am i not giving myself time to think to love myself more?

some people won’t know the value of something until it’s gone. they won’t know the things that will make them happy because it’s their choice if they’re going to make their lives miserable. or otherwise, depends on them, on how they’ll make their day happy.

happiness is a choice. now, i completely understand it. i didn’t realize it before. and it’s good to know that i can do better things with my new life. i don’t know what’s ahead of me. i don’t know what’s out there…

i won’t let anyone, again, think that i’m not their kind of girl… who’ll just be afraid of being alone… who’ll just be somebody’s doormat. i hope i can be bronte again. the kind of bronte who’ll be brave enough to step outside her comfort zone and have courage to face the truth.

i’m so curious that my head will blew off and i would never risk my happiness just because of the questions that’s been running on my head. i hope this too, shall pass. i don’t want this to be a burden in my life. but once a curious person starts asking questions, expect them to have some follow-up questions based on your answers.

am i going to ask? am i this paranoid to ask who that person is? am i this curious person who wants to have a peaceful life, just by ignoring this truth that i wanted to know?

weird encounter.

my real DAISY


I have this favorite manga that i’m subscribed with. it’ s not like i’m paying for it or anything but i’ve been reading it online and sadly it’s not finished yet… and it’s been kindda announced that Motomi Kyousuke will end the story on October. sad as it seems, that’s how life works. anyway, let’s just cut to the chase.

Dengeki Daisy is the title of the manga. it’s mainly a love story but not too focused on that genre. it’s also a mystery, action and it does have this kind of humor where you can really laugh at the character’s attitudes. frankly, they’re quite funny.

Daisy a.k.a Tasuku Kurosaki, as a hacker, have created a program which ruined everything and have made Kurebayashi Souichiro to decipher that code. Souichiro needs to make it in time so that Kurosaki will be out of jail. at that time, Souichiro is sick and unable to go to the hospital because he sacrificed everything just to decipher what Kurosaki created. before Souichiro died, he told his sister, Kurebayashi Teru, that a certain someone will be taking care of her. and that’s Daisy.

Teru don’t know who Daisy is. but they continuously exchanging messages through their mobile phones. Daisy knows what’s happening to Teru, and he fell in love with her.  Daisy have been trying to make Teru happy by giving any good comforts as possible over the phone. he makes her happy and made her believe that he’s always there for her who’ll never leave her side. Teru considers Daisy as her life comforter and when the time came that Teru found out that Kurosaki is actually Daisy… her love for him became stronger than before…

then just picture out the love story…

then now, my real Daisy… is actually my mother.

all my life, i’ve known her for … about 22 years now. since i was born, she is my guardian angel and the only one who’ll never leave my side… no matter what. and the funny thing is, they said, when i was a baby…i was too clingy. no matter where my mom was… i’m there… clinging on her leg… that’s hilarious.

she’s a cool mom. a full time mom. she works. she’ll talk with us, then sometimes cooks for us. always reading books. writing travel blogs. and will even kiss you if you’re going out. she’ll be mad at you if you’re not going to follow her orders. she wants the house spic and span. she wants to just write, write, write and write some more.

she’s my idol when it comes to reading. she have read books that’s difficult to understand on her high school days and she even won contests about essay writings. she’s the best. and that’s also the reason why my name is Bronte… came from a movie(can’t remember the title) and also a book called, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte.

i really much appreciated the times when she would criticize the decisions that i’m always making. she’ll not make me feel irritated, but instead, the tone of her voice on how she put it on another way, it gives me a funny bone.

if she’s angry at me, all i can interpret on that is she really cares for me… i can’t and don’t want to hold a grudge on her. it’s not her fault on how i turned out to be like this. it’ the decisions that i always make which defines me. she’s a part of Bronte who grows up as a strong girl. she made me strong and i never regretted the days that she scolds me. that’s a part of being a family… letting you know how much they love you in every way they can. sometimes it’s not in a sweet way, but you’ll just feel it.

every time that mom and i will have a one on one talk… i always think that… “this is the moment”… because, you know, i never got the chance to have a serious conversation with her if i have my free time. i always hung out with friends and boyfriend… then friends again. or i always watch/read anime/manga. time is everything.

my mom wants to travel and sometimes even going to a good restaurant is one of her options to make her day right. she even invites me to go to a classy restaurant and i’m glad that i’m always the one who’s going with her. with no complaints whatsoever. and i also think that she picks the right restaurant to begin with.

she have managed to bring the four of us into this world with pure love. it never did occur to me that she can’t give us what we want in life. she gave us life. the life that i think we deserve and i think we deserve better. i want to surprise her and let her know that i’m 100% supportive on her plans in life. she just wants to succeed and be well-known for the thing that’s she’s really good at… writing.

so right now… i won’t give up. i want to strive harder. harder unlike before.

happy mom’s day.<3

mama

In a Relationship


1. LISTEN. you can’t do whatever you want to do. Listen to what he/she have to say before anything pops into your mind and make it the right and good idea, instead of waiting for your partners turn to bring out the better idea.

2. MAKE TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS. your world doesn’t revolve on you two. you still have friends to have a good time with.

3. BE RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR ACTIONS. if you’re going out for a drink, don’t expect that your partner will still support the thing that you can’t control. you did it so deal with it. it doesn’t mean that they don’t care, they’re concern about you, but look after yourself too.

4. DON’T FORGET TO SEND A TEXT MESSAGE WHEN YOU GET HOME, OR TRY TO EVEN CALL. your partner will get worried if you don’t. it’s a simple thing but it’s for you to remember that someone cares.

5. BE HONEST AND LOYAL TO YOUR PARTNER

6. LET DOWN YOUR PRIDE. nothing will happen if your pride steps in with your relationship. there will be less talking and less understanding.

7. APPRECIATE THE SMALL EFFORTS. it always has a great impact of all.

8. YOU DON’T NEED A THEME SONG. sometimes it’s good to listen to it if you’re with your partner because it’s somewhat gonna make it romantic. but if it’s not necessary to have one, that’s alright. it’s just an option.

9. THERE’S STILL ROOM FOR SOME CHANGES AND ADJUSTMENTS. even though you thought you know your partner well, think different, but at the same time, be yourself.

10. CREATE ENOUGH SPACE FOR YOU TWO TO BREATHE. especially if you have a misunderstanding although it will be more effective and reasonable afterwards if you’re going to explain the thing that made you angry in the first place. communicating effectively is always the key.

11. DON’T HAVE ANY REGRETS. accept the fact that you’ve done the actions without complaints.

12. BE HAPPY. every single moment counts. every hour, every minute, every second of everyday… and somehow, just try to manage to make it a year. or make it two… make it forever… as long as you love each other. it will be possible.

13. BE SERIOUS. SERIOUSLY. make sure that you’ll take note of the mistakes that you’ve done, so that you’ll be aware if it will happen again.

14. HAVE COMMUNICATION. it’s important to always talk to your partner and understand each other. don’t leave one another hanging. keep them posted.

15. ALWAYS GIVE THE PROPER ATTENTION… that you’re gonna give and the one that you need. don’t be too much. just be ENOUGH.

16. SPEAK YOUR MIND. your partner wants to know what you’re thinking about. don’t limit yourself on giving off ideas from your head. speak your mind, especially when it also comes from your heart.

17. DON’T BE JEALOUS. even if your partner is around people, who you don’t know especially if they’re girls/boys, because eventually, they’ll come back to you at the end of the day. they’re yours. and even though he’ll make some room for other people in his head and be concerned about them, you don’t have to worry… atleast, he’s also concerned about the people that you care about.

18. BE OPEN-MINDED. don’t limit partner from other people. be fair. they also need other people on their lives. not just you.

19. BE A GOOD EXAMPLE.  teach him/her some things that they have to think about, especially some long term goals and some of life’s principles.

20. DO NOT ASK UNNECESSARY QUESTIONS. if ever that you already knew what to do, don’t ask. just analyze the scenario carefully before doing something that might add to any unnecessary fights.

21. THINK BEFORE YOU REACT. sometimes you don’t need to think too much on why your partner did that… just try to see  what’s going to happen first, by then, you’ll understand in the first place on why she’d/he’d done it.

22. UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER’S SIDE. your partner don’t know what they’re supposed to do when you wanted them to do something for you, all the time. you need to understand that you and him/her may not be on the same page… especially if both of you are different. in short, opposite.

 

these are the things that i’ve just observed… and i should’ve put in some good stuffs but i don’t have a good memory to blog it all out… anyway…

i know that there are s many ideas that i can come up, with this kind of topic, but the rest is up to you on what you’re going to consider to have a good relationship with your partner.

 

all you need is LOVE. <3

justifying things


nothing’s new.

i’m in this situation where i can’t understand why i need to explain things over and over and over again. i just want to rest. somehow, i want them to understand what i’m going through but  things are really out of hand right now.

and as of now i’m tired of justifying things to people who won’t even understand what i’m feeling. some of them misinterpreted the things that i’m doing. yes, i don’t care what other people think about me, but i’m not really someone who’s strong and can handle things smoothly. i need to rest. i need some peace. i want my life back.

and the thing is, i’m the person who’s mind is messed up. again. as usual. nothing’s new.

it’s so awkward that i don’t mind being a drag. i’ve made mistakes. i feel sorry for myself but all i can is to cry. to make my world sad… to make everything right again… but it’s not working the way i want it to be. sometimes i wanna pretend that i don’t exist. that i’m not alive. that i’ve accepted that i’m just alone. i just didn’t expect anything more than that but i’m just also a person who’s greedy. greedy of having attention. and that i won’t mind being the center of attention… i know i’m not like this before. but now i don’t want people to notice me. i want them to understand me. and i can’t have the things that i want to have.

this request is not much. this is just what i want to change. i want to be invincible. to be strong even if other’s will just try to pull me down. in some cases, i’ve just wondered if maybe we can turn back time and change anything, but we can’t. regretting it is something that you have to endure. because there are things in this world that is not unchangeable. no matter what you do, good or bad, people will say things about you. it’s inevitable.

i don’t want to be pitied. but i want to be acknowledged.

the dog who saw the rainbow


just got a good quote, or let’s say a good example on how to tell something about TIME, and how to give you an idea on how to look at the bigger picture about TIME.

from the movie, Kate and Leopold:

Stuart: It is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. Dogs are colorblind, Gretchen. They don’t see color. Just like we don’t see time. We can feel it, we can feel it passing, but we can’t see it. It’s just like a blur. It’s like we’re riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by, but imagine if we could stop that train, eh, Gretchen? Imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around, and see time for what it really is? A universe, a world, a thing as unimaginable as color to a dog, and as real, as tangible as that chair you’re sitting in. Now if we could see it like that, really look at it, then maybe we could see the flaws as well as the form. And that’s it; it’s that simple. That’s all I discovered. I’m just a… a guy who saw a crack in a chair that no one else could see. I’m that dog who saw a rainbow, only none of the other dogs believed me.

Gretchen: I believe you.

 

we have to admit it. that we can’t see time. we can’t play with it and we can’t reach it. the only thing that we can do about it is to go along with it. it’s our choice on how we can use or spend it wisely. and let’s say, you’ve watched Kate and Leopold? would you possibly believe that you can go back in TIME? and let’s say, you can change something from the past, are you going to change it?

we are indeed were greedy about changing anything that we’ve done wrong, but aren’t you proud of yourself now because you’re not going to be the person you are today if you’ll not commit to any mistakes?, if everything is perfect in your own world and you’re not going to see the flaws that’s in it. you’ll not grow. you’ll not know how to make sacrifices. you’ll not know how to create the decisions that’s supposedly the things that you have and need to do.

but if you really see time, are yo also the same person who’s like the dog who saw the rainbow? that they are actually color blind but that dog saw the colors of that rainbow however no one can actually believe you? well.. it’s how you say it to people. it’s how you can make them believe that you really saw it and make them feel that it’s true. it’s crazy sometimes to know that they can’t see the things that you wanted them to see. some are numb, some are cold, some don’t care what you’re talking about. what’s more important is to realize that you don’t have to force yourself to do it… just try to let them know about your crazy though then let them decide from there whether they’re going to believe you or not.

but it’s such a very interesting topic that we really can’t see time. even if we have these 5 senses, we can’t reach it. we can just feel it. it’s not really fast, it’s just that we don’t mind it if we’re enjoying something that we do that is worthwhile. or it’s not slow if we’re so bored with our daily lives. and if it’s about time, we can’t avoid it. we can’t stop it… we can’t even pause it. it’s not like having a universal remote where we can go back in time and re-do everything again. and we’re going to miss the fun part of our lives. the part where we’re supposed to say sorry instead of saying thank you. we’re we can say goodbye, instead of saying hello. and where we can tell them that they can leave, instead of saying, they can stay. there are a lot of possibilities where you can’t do that anymore because you already corrected it, but it will give you the certain truth that those feelings are not true anymore. so it would be best to leave things the way they are now.

sometimes, i felt like i’m also the dog who saw the rainbow. i can feel the sense of time everywhere i go. and  i know that it’s kind of selfish of me but i don’t care what other people think about me. i don’t want to care if they don’t want to believe me. because i will stand for what i believe in. i want to stand for what i know is right. and i might stand for being able to see the things that normal people don’t see. (i don’t mean ghosts). i want to stand because i know and i’m confident that i’m different. i’m a bit odd and i like it much better than being a normal person. what’s normal anyway? nah. i don’t want to think about it.

 

everything happens for a reason. so just be it.

can’t please everybody


i know for a fact that nobody cares.

it’s like you’re in the middle of the ocean and there are sharks that’s been roaming around and you can’t escape. firstly, i don’t even know why suddenly i became the center of attention of those sharks and second of all what am i doing in the middle of the ocean? insanity really drives me crazy sometime. tell me about it. irony knows it.

here i am again. bragging about people who you or we can not please. the thing is, why are you gonna please them? do you owe them something? are they doing things that you can’t actually do? are they these famous people who really can give you happiness that you wanted your whole life? nah. that’s such a waste of time… if you really think about it, it’s kindda weird that you’re trying your best to make them happy… but are you happy on what you’re doing? are you enjoying being just their friend without you being happy as well?

in my opinion, and for other’s as well… and as the saying goes… we can’t please everybody. that’s the only thing that you have to think about if they don’t want your company. and you’ll just notice that their going to keep their distance away from you if they don’t like to make you a part of their group.

i’m sad to hear from other people or just to simply notice the gestures that i’ve been trying to interpret and faithfully, i’m able to read them. i was kind of expecting that i can be the person who they can rely to… but in the end, i’m the one who’s relying on to them. i’m not that strong. i’m not that weak either, but as time goes by, every single detail of my life is not that clear anymore. yeah, i’m wearing glasses to see what’s clear or not. but even glasses can’t see or know the  future that’s ahead of me and it will take me by surprise. without a word. without any warnings.

because of my previous post when i was a flirt and a total b-i-t-c-h, i know that people can’t trust me the way they trusted me before. i have so many lies… so many friendships that i can’t make up with anymore… so many people that i have broken their trust with… and my heart is breaking day by day… i can’t bury those regrets. i don’t know if i’m learning from them, but it would be better if i really am.

i’m building good relationships with my friends and family and i’m happy the way things are now. i want them to know how gentle they are towards me, how good my life is because of them, how blessed i am to be in God’s hands…

so, if i can’t please everybody, at least i’m pleasing my love ones… the ones who really cared, the ones who’s there for me from the start, the ones who’ll hug me tight while i’m hugging them back, and the ones who didn’t leave me.. up until now.

 

i’m sort of happy.

when i was a flirt and a total b-i-t-c-h


hi.

so let’s start with …

 

***

grade 5

i started being like one when i was on grade 5. we started living in Makati on 2003-04, i think. then our big brother likes to play Magic Cards and Pokemon on Nintendo Gameboy, and my little brother too, but my little sister is too young to play that game but we are fond of playing pokemon as well. our brothers have befriend a guy who also likes to play stuff like that. just gonna name him Chris. Chris always goes to our house to play with our two brothers. i never even look at him and i know he’s kind of older than me but then it just happened. what just happened is that, i had a crush on him. then i made this autograph book(it’s very popular to ave one on those days…). anyway, i have asked Chris to even answer my autograph book… little did i know, he even put acronyms on the name of his crush. but i can’t remember it precisely the right acronyms but that’s what i can remember. well, most of it. anyway, that’s me.

at that time, i was very thrilled and i don’t know what to do. we began seeing each other outside past 10pm i think. just outside the gate of our house. and i know that my little sister and brother knows about it because they keep on seeing us together every night. i know this is not lady-like… and well, i’m obviously a total flirt and my image since that day, became the lamest girl of all. after every night, i noticed that Chris will swiftly… just will not notice me anymore… it’s just like bam!, i never thought that i’m such a fool. and what am i suppose to think? he’s a highschooler and i’m in gradeschool. i even manage to tie my hair with a pink scarf because he told me that it suits me…

we never communicated ever again. my friends their knows what i’ve become. i’m such an ignorant that i didn’t realize that people see me nothing as a flirtatious girl who’ll easily grab the bait. i grabbed it. when i thought about it now, it’s one of the most stupidest thing that i’ve ever done.

 

***

grade 6

i still remember the time when the president of our class became my crush… and so, well, i have many crushes. i don’t know why. it’s sort of me, being addicted to having a crush. my old suitors have given up on me and tried to see other girls to date. on that time, i never thought that i would belong there. but i did have friends to talk with. when i was on grade 5, we were on section 2. then on grade 6, they transferred us on section 1. there came a time when one of my suitors did plan to date one of my closest friends, then i suddenly became a fiend. i don’t know why i behaved like i don’t want my suitors chasing other girls other than me. i was really being a bitch. until i’ve hurt my friend that bad. i became childish and i was evil. pure evil. i want them to break up and i acted like i was a very important person.

then i just saw that we’re not friends anymore. they kept their distance away from me. and i didn’t feel the courage to say sorry. to say that i was wrong. to tell them that i want to be friends again. we do regret some things in life especially the past. i don’t dwell in the past anymore but i also want to let these things out for my own benefit that i can’t take it anymore. i don’t want to be this kind of girl. i’ve became friends with them on facebook and that’s what there is to it. i know they’re going to accept my invitation but i know, there’s a very powerful barrier now that i can’t cross. on some point. i really missed them. but there came a time when it’s already too late.

just have to let them all go.

 

***

 

on my high school year, i have experienced on having a close friend to break up with his boyfriend. because…. i liked the guy. another one of my reckless moves.

this is what actually happened… and i don’t want to give specific names.

my friend Amy, we became close. their house is next to ours so we are exchanging letters because we can’t find time to talk with each other. then suddenly, i met his cousin, Rob. he’s like Mark Heras. and well, they have a resemblance. except he has a long hair. anyway, as time goes by, i came to like the guy. he’s always giving mixed signals and me, being 14 y/o and all, didn’t quite sure on how to catch his fake gestures. so i really played along.

then … we saw found out that she has a girlfriend. we thought that she’s a flirty girl with red hair/brown hair. i can’t imagine why i speak and think ill of other people when i was a kid. so stupid. anyway, so there, i planned to get close to the girl, Jasmine. i want to know what’s going on between them. and if they are really together. we, too, exchanged letters and we really hook it off.  i never thought that we’ll be close and i don’ want to break that friendship anymore.

i, then, have sent a letter to her that somehow, there’s something going on with me and hs bf. but not directly. i have given her a scenario, but she’s too smart to read between the lines. that’s when everything got complicated.

i said to my said, this is total “BS”. i should have never interfered with them. they have a good thing going on and i became a close friend who’s a total bitch… i hated myself.

they go on and off for while. i disappeared from their way and i thought that everything is good now. until i heard that their relationship didn’t last. i blamed myself and i know that Jasmine, took her distance from me. i understood.

that distance became wider and longer… until it’s stretched some more and it’s farther than on what my arms and hands can ever reach.

 

these are the three major things that i’ve regretted ever since.

i told anyone that i never really regretted anything because it’s you who chose that path. i took that path and i didn’t looked back. i haven’t felt such a strong desire that they would hate me. they probably think i’m not a true friend. because i was.

i ruined something. something called, friendship that money can’t buy.

i also have caused a great chaos on my personality and let them think that i’m an easy-to-get girl.

so maybe, that’s the reason why i’m not good with guys. i’m cold, i’m now strict. i don’t want to have business with them, except on being just friends with them.  and that’s it. i’ve created the ability to build a wall from guys… that they can’t cross the wall, not unless we’ll be friends and nothing more.

except for my boyfriend. it’s common sense. lol.

 

the new me… is the exact opposite of who i am before. and i think… this new me, will have to erase the bad memories that she created before.

and … i know they, might somehow, have the slightest chance of forgetting those things… and they’re completely over it. if they’ve forgiven me… then that’s good. if not… it’s still alright.

 

it’s their choice.

 

once again, i’m really sorry…